Sometimes

Sometimes, you need people to cheer you up when you're turning low.
Sometimes, you need someone to just patiently listen to your complain and your story.
Sometimes, you need somebody to tell you that you are stronger than you think.
Sometimes, you need those people who can strengthen you to pass all of those obstacles.
Sometimes, you need at least one person to talk to so you don't feel all alone.
Sometimes, you need somebody who can be supportive in all of circumstances.

Yet, sometimes just sometimes, all you need is somebody to tell you that it's okay to cry out loud, it's okay to be broken, it's okay to feel down, it's never ever wrong not to always appear strong, and all of those would never make you any less meaningful.

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Her Last Dress

I saw my mom walking into my room while I was laying down in the living room. I didn't really notice what she was doing. A moment later, she was out wearing clothes I had never seen before. She showed me up her new dress then asked me whether or not it fit her.
"Bagus kan bajunya?" said she.
"Enggak, biasa aja." I, typically, answered.
"Bagus ah,"
Then she went in my room again having another glance on how she looked in front of the mirror, I assumed. She continued mumbling.
"Kaya anak muda nggak sih ini?" asked she.
"Enggak. Udah nggak apa-apa."
"Buat Ellis aja tah? Lebih cocok buat anak muda kayanya,"
"Enggak, nggak usah. PD aja lagi,"
"Kan Ellis kurus, lebih pantes."
She kept telling me that the dress would fit me better, while I kept arguing that it fit her well, too.

Several days later, she got headache that led her into her death. I never knew it would happen that fast. Don't ask me how it felt. Losing mom meant losing a half of my life.
Months after she passed away, my aunt asked me to clean up my mom's drawer. She said that the clothes would be better shared to others who might need them. I opened up mom's drawer  picking up the clothes, then soon I found the dress we once talked about. I immidietely reminisced the convo I mentioned above. Inhaling while thinking how it could've been like this.  As soon as I exhaled, I was about to burst in tears. My aunt told me to keep it for my own. She knew that it's new. I guess my mom bought it with her back then. I still didn't think I would wear it. Instead, I put it in my drawer and thought I might want to give it to anyone else.

Later on, I don't know what my sister thought, she brought that dress from home. I asked her, "Kenapa dibawa ke sini? Emang mau dipake?" and still, neither me nor my sister, we didn't even try it. I once again thought that I might want to give it up. Until one day in this month, I opened up my drawer trying to pick which clothes I wanted to wear that morning. My eyes were caught up in that dress. Then in all of a sudden, I picked it up and decided to wear it for the first time.

You're right, Mom. It fits me well.
Couldn't believe this is the last dress you "gave" to me.

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A Cup of Talk

I love spending time alone. So does he.

There was one night when I went alone to a cafe with an intention to read journals. But not long after I had a seat, there was someone walked away passing my table. As soon as we noticed each other, we both were a bit surprised. As usual, we got silent for seconds then mumbling we didn't know each other. Of course, it was a platitude. We soon greeted each other. Apparently, he arrived earlier than me. I asked him to sit with me then a minute later he moved on to my table.

He started the talk by telling me how many (new) girls had a crush on him. Some tried to flirt on him, some gave him cheesy pick up lines, some others admitted they liked him and all. I was no surprised. It's so typical of him and he's kind of proud of it seen in his evil smile he was showing. He always says that he's handsome. Yes, he is. But his good looking face drops by everytime he tells me so, lol. We've been knowing each other since the first time we encountered the college life. I totally had no interest in him cause he acted as if he's the most handsome guy on earth. Meh, mlz bgt. Not long after that, something made us work together. As I got to know him better, I started to see the  good in him. We started having talks and sometimes having dinner together. So what's the good in him? He's so smart. He reads a lot of books. Like A-LOT. It's not only (classic) novels, but also books of philosophy, politics, history, so many theories, and so on. I kinda always look stupid when I talk to him. His knowledge is just too wide. I only have 10% of his knowledge perhaps. And what's other? Nothing. Lol. He had no sense of humor. I almost never laughed whenever he threw a joke for I never got the funny point. Then he'd say, "Hahaha, kan aku emang gak bisa lucu,"

At one moment on a particular event, he came in. I was out for a while without knowing he would come. As I got back, a girl who had a crush on him told me, "Mba, tuh dari tadi ada yang nyariin," I guess she was hurting while telling me so. Then another girl who used to be closed to him told me the same, "Udah ditungguin tuh," Guess who? Yes, it's him, "Aku mau ngomong." I knew it perfectly it's just an excuse so that he could go away from those girls lol. Told you. He has sort of...many 'fans'. Had no idea why. I kept telling him that if only those girls knew him better, they would definitely have a second thought to have a crush on him. He thought so. Lol. Yet, I did appreciate how he didn't take advantage of them. Right after he knew someone had a feeling on him and he thought he didn't share the same feeling, he'd stop. He even left their chats unread. So  I was chill. Never really cared about how many girls out there who admired him. It's his right to choose. As we all know, someone will always find a way to cheat even if we protect them so tight. So I had no worries. I let him do anything he wanted. 

He's full of dreams. And he told me some. He's so passionate about what he did. I supported his decisions even when I didn't really agree them. Cause yeah, he knew himself best so why should I tell him what to decide when it's all his life after all? Years after, something hit him hard. He knew that many people didn't like him, but he didn't stop. Rumors were spreading about him. I couldn't trust it tho. I knew he's not that good, but I knew it, too, he's not that bad. I made sure by asking him. He told me the truth without forcing me to be in his side. I believed in him.

Wait, I guess I'm being too far from what I've started at the very top of this writing. This would be too long if I have to reminisce each of inches I spent with him. I didn't know him for one or two weeks. It's been years. Well, let's go back to the cafe where I suddenly saw him. What we talked about then was...marriage. We shared our thoughts about it. Since we had the same background knowledge, we had the same thought as well. I told him I kind of think that marriage is a big deal. There are so many things to consider. He did think so. We mentioned the reasons one by one. Then I remember he once told me that he would marry at certain age. I'm one year younger than him. But it's like he's way older than me cause he looks that old lol. I told him it's two years to go until he reached that certain age he would like to marry. He answered that he kinda had a second thought then he added another five-year to his target of getting married. I laughed. Somehow, I knew it already. Then we continued our talk with different topics that night.

I never post any pictures of him tho cause I've been so picky about what to post especially in ig. Besides, we never really take any serious pictures together so I don't think it's so artsy enough to put it in my feed lol. Well, now, we don't see each other too often. He is busy as always. His mind is full of plans and of course books. He just can't stop trying to achieve what he wants and reading this and that. I let him do anything he thinks it's beneficial to him. It's true I have no idea where  to whom he'll come back. Whatever he decides, I'll never regret even a second. He's been a lesson after all.

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A Moment to Reflect

It's one week to go till I'm exactly turning 23. No, this is not a reminder or something to remind everyone about my day. This is a kind of, let's say, the way I'm trying to reminisce and reflect what I've done and I have had to be.

I suddenly remember one moment when my Indian buddy told me at my birthday, "You're not getting older, but you're just a little closer to death," and it was somewhat stabbing my chest cause yeah, what to celebrate when you're actually getting closer to death? Since then, I never really hype my birthday.

A moment later I look back into myself then see how I'd been afraid too much of everything, like every-single-thing. And another moment I realized that I have changed so much than I used to be.
I used to have that typical thought to please every single one I know and even I meet, to look good in their eyes, and even to be the way they want me to be. Until I started my uni-life that led me to know people who are careless. No, it's not carelessness about their own life but rather not to care about what other people think of them. Until I started to have experienced a whole new world that I've never been to. Until I read what I have never imagined I'm gonna be interested in. Until I come at the point that I realize each of us simply live our own life which has nothing to do with others'. It's nothing like my life is better/worse than yours. It's only a matter of understanding in seeing the ups and downs after all. The hard time I've been through and the happy moments I've had are only in a way God tells me how life wouldn't feel happy unless I've encountered sadness. And so it's just an understanding to embrace every single moment that happens.

I look back again to myself, and then I know that changes are persistent. Maybe I think I've changed much but it doesn't stop there. Most probably because time doesn't stop lingering that always forces me to deal with everything I'm facing. I no longer see myself as passionate as I was. Instead, I become more reckless and choose to let everything flow the way it does. I don't know which is better tho.

Most of moments I think about my existence which leads me to question how much I've been beneficial to my surroundings. Then I feel insecure when I find that I've been doing nothing instead. I still can't help to think: do I live the life I want? Have I done things I supposed to? Is my life worth living? But yeah, they say it's one typical phase that people will encounter when they reach early 20s.

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December

It feels like years I didn't write any posts here for these past months. I always thought that I had no time doing this while it's actually a matter of making it or not. Until I realize that it's already December! The last month we have in one year. Time to throw it back.

There are many things to learn, many people I met, many great experiences I got, and by then I have so much to reflect from them. I can feel the endless love of my family through their prayers. I can see the friends that have been so supportive to me in this year. Aya for being a friend that I can talk literally everything, Geri for being  there when I need her, Sarah that has the same humor as mine and is a good listener for each drama I told her, Fulan who's been a partner in struggling both academic and the organization we join,  and of course each member of them that we have a group chat called 'Nyinyirism" who's been being supportive and lovely and funny as hell and sarcastic af, and still philosophical (?). Like seriously, I have no idea how my Jogja-life would be without them. For the friends of Sansenku that still have a place to me even when I've been far away from them to which then I feel home when I'm back. Fikfik who's been annoying haha yet soooo nice. My temen SD, Iin and Ayu, who can reduce miseries lol by doing 'our things'. My temen SMA, Inayah, Bolo-bolo, Nora, and Bitul who have been moodboosters when I'm home. Grup Gak Jelas Kabeh contaning Unonk, Rendra, and Sarah (lagi) yang mau aja diajak kemana-mana. My temen KKN, Arum for being really good, Irham and Imam for being friends of bersenang-senang. Meng for being a friend full of wacana haha yet still pleasing to talk to. Mba Dara and Rani that I always enjoy to have time together. Also, all the beutiful souls I met on my road. And of course, Rampoe UGM for allowing me to find anything wider and greater. Ah I have a bunch of love for each of them :')

"Nyinyirism"

Some of Sansenku

Meng

I thank God for every single thing I've got though sometimes things are out of control like I haven't graduated yet lol (only by this time I can laugh it away lol), I haven't found that one person I can lean on and feel completed LOL tetep ya, reading an an amount of books, writing more on the blog, and other things I wish to gain in this year.

My 2016 was much dominated by working hard, struggling, and even suffering with these people.

That team :')

Started by earlier this year, we began our journey. Nothing was easy, but who knows that God would give this team a huge blessing during the process. And so, I personally gain a lot to learn. Like A-LOT. It felt so consuming at the beginning, but since we walked together hand in hand, it became one of (maybe) our memorable moments in our life at the end of the day. Maybe by next time I will write the clearer details on how we had suffered struggled. Lol.

Strongest girls

That was a glimpse of what comes to my mind summing up my 2016. I'm that conservative person who writes my resolution by the end of the year for the upcoming year. And now I will do the same. I think, somehow, it can remind me to keep moving forward, to not giving them up while in the middle of struggling.

I'm so glad to have had those experiences, to have been surrounded by the people I've mentioned, to have met nice strangers, and to have learned so much from them. Also, I'm so glad to have ticked most of things in my to do list for this year though there are still several things I let them clear without any ticks. I'm a believer of 'God Timing is always the best', even when I don't get the things I want. I tried my best, but God knows best. And somehow that is what makes me relieved.

Time flies so fast. It keeps lingering no matter how much we try to stop it. There's no way back, there's nothing to escape. New year is coming. Feel the enthusiasm to welcome it then keep it stay in our souls during the whole year.

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Dealing with My Thesis

Things are sometimes really annoying when people start questioning something you should have accomplished like, "Kapan ujian?" or "Kapan lulus?" or "Kapan wisuda?". And it somehow frustrates me like what you guys are saying? You just don't walk my path and don't wear my shoes and don't understand the things I'm facing. Say it that it is an excuse, but really, you have to be me, I mean, be an English Literature in this shitty campus haha, with this situation and the supervisor like mine then I bet you wouldn't ask any single questions I've mentioned above. Like never ever ever. You may blame me why I haven't taken my final exam while my friends one by one have graduated, but I'll let you know that I've been doing my best to finish my thesis, yet, some things are just out of control that I myself really don't want this to happen.

It's not only you. I, too, question myself why this thing happens to me like what sins I have done that drive me into this jail haha. I just can't believe that sometimes life might get harder while we grow older. And it's happening in front of my eyes. It's not only my thesis, but also my other duties seemingly have been really consuming. And sometimes all I want to do is scream out loud without even caring how people would get annoyed by my noise.

It practically stresses me out. Yet, there's a glimpse of pleasure in realizing how blessed I am by having these consuming stuffs haha. Throughout the moments, God has proved me that life is a completely learning process. How I should deal with things I might think bad and how He has sent me the supportive people I couldn't ask for any better. Call me a pessimist, but I won't be any if my (particular) friends beside me. They never stop sending me support and tell me everything is okay if I don't think too much about what people are gonna say. And I'm forever grateful for that.

After all, I come at the point when I realize that one's life is never better than others. It's simply a matter of understanding how to appreciate our own life without comparing to others'; for each of us simply walks our own path. It's ok to be sad, but don't linger for so long. In a sense, life is just a completely learning process of how bad things happen to us as well as the good ones. Happiness is not what it is without feeling miserable at least once in a lifetime like we can never see the stars without darkness.

Cheer the days \m/

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A Perplexity

I've been caught up in my activities these all days. Even when I'm writing this, those things I have to do are running in my mind.
It's funny to realize that something I want the most has stressed me up instead of making me happy.
Is this what people call 'out of comfort zone'?
Is this what they instruct to 'push ourselves to the limit?'
I hope so.
So that I will be relieved at least for a little while.

The door is open.
But when I get out of my room, I find a great wall right in front of my eyes.
It's like I almost see it. But I have to break the wall down to just hold what so called ambition.
I've been twisted, so consumed by all this hurt that brings me to feel numb afterward.
I knew, I should do everything without asking for praise. But I just found that it's hitting me in the chest when all my effort is not respected.

Life has been full of choices. But I never felt so lost.
I'm walking with no directions.
And every time I try to give them up, there's no reason to go back.
So is life really full of choices?
Or is it just the fate of life I live in?

Million questions have been friends for me to walk through this journey.
And sometimes I really don't need answers because, basically, those questions are ways to make my mind open.
That it's not what I do and choose is good or not, but rather how to make everything in this life strengthen me or weaken me up instead.

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The Excitement

It's still raining when I finally lay down on my bed. The old songs are in the air as I turn the radio on. Good old memories come over in flashes.

It's been great days to me since I finally happened to see old lovely people I haven't seen in a while. It's always been good to reunite with them. Sharing stories and thoughts I've passed when I'm away far from them. So much love, support, and excitement I  got right afterwards. Strengthening me up to step out from what I'm about to do in front of me for what so called the final step to get out of college life that you can guess what.

It's so typical of me to feel all excited when my old friends invite me to join them in an occasion they've already been planning. I always love the idea of 'reuniting' cause I know I'm gonna get great time with people who are worth staying like them.

My heart beats fast every time I remember the things I'm about to face started by now. And it beats even faster when my friend told me the chance I get to reach what I've been dreaming about.

Life is a long journey.
Once I heard a saying that what makes it so joyful is not when we achieve our goals, but rather the struggle we fight for during the process.

So what really keeps us excited about life other than people we treasure?
It's........dreams.

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Come and Go

As you walk your path, you find that nothing lasts forever including people. You realize some come in your life and some others come out. Some are worth staying with. Some others are better to let go. That brings you a lesson to treasure each encounter with anyone somehow. And yes, people come and go.

As you grow up, you notice that not every single one comes in your life has your back. Some may come at a glance and some others give you miseries. But after that, you end up a lot more treasuring people who are always in your side.You know those who support you when you get down and those who remind you to stay down to earth when you are up. They may not be there in every single second, but you know when you need to cry , they give their shoulders, when you need people to talk, they give you their ears, and when you need something to share, they just give you their time. No matter how far you go, they still open their arms to welcome you whenever you come back.  And yes, people come and go and stay.

Life does not merely consist of happiness. Thus, nothing's happier than to have people you can share anything with in your happy and miserable moments. How to elate and cheer the misery up, sometimes, depend on how you deal with it through sharing with other people by laughing it away. And yes, people come and go and stay and have your back.

And in the end, you happen to understand that your hard times could eliminate people who are worth staying with and struggling for to continue your walk of your life.

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I Never Knew

I never knew that missing someone would be that sick.
I never knew that someone I could be with everywhere could no longer be reached out.
I never knew someone that I used to share everything about could now know nothing about what's happening in my life.
I never knew it felt that sad to see someone I care about could laugh hard too with someone else.
I never knew that I would feel that weak realizing I couldn't see you any time I want.
I never knew you'd go that fast when I didn't tell you to stay.

Then I realize, the word 'miss' could mean either willing to meet someone or losing someone.

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Never Wanted to

I never asked to meet you. Never meant to fall in nor even acrossed to my mind. I never wanted to feel more than happy whenever you gave me your smile, whenever you called my name, whenever you looked at me. I never got nervous whenever I talked to others, but when it came to you, my tounge got trapped, my words had turned into steam. I never asked this kind of feeling nor even acrossed to my mind. But, whenever you're around, I felt all shy. I could even hardly breathe, knew nothing what to do.

And, I knew, there would be the time when we have to seperate, I mean, the time when I would no longer see you in frequent. It's never easy to me, but I had braced myself for the goodbye. I had prepared myself to not seeing you as often as we used to. I was ready. And I had to.

But, something has turned out. I won't go. And you'll still stay. I should've been happy. But why is it not? Guess it's better to lose you at the time when you were still around without anyone in your side than to stay still but seeing you with someone in your side. I have not braced myself for this. Why didn't you go at the time when I had braced myself for the goodbye? Why didn't you go before I put hope on you right after I knew you'd still be around? Why do you have to stay if you now keep someone else in your side?

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A Sparkling Night

Nothing to expect, but give the best of all we could do.

'What you give, what you get' represented the desire and hope to give the best performance after every-night-practicing we had done. A good composer had made the arrengement of songs sounded elegant. A talented pianist had helped a lot to conduct the music. Patient couches had been so good to conduct the players of Angklung. Karinding-ist (Pemain Karinding(?), traditional music instrument from West Java) had made the music sounded more classical. A guitarist had given the taste of contemporary to our music. Time to go on stage.

On stage

The nervousness of waiting to perform had never been this calm since I had a great team that were so supportive. And another reason was we had practiced a lot for this. The waiting turned out to be fun. We spent the time by taking (so many) pictures on the backstage eventhough the partly of members were new! I had been thinking, this 'new' group was the fun-nest one. We could be united and there was no gap among all the members, not even girls and boys. I'm saying this because, you can guess, at the very previous performance there was a gap even among girls.

What we do during the break of practicing

No nights without taking pictures

Everynight-routine

Backstage groufie

One way to reduce the nervousness

I thought, we were going to perform in the main hall of Taman Budaya Yogyakarta. Once I had performed there and it was a great experience. But I was wrong. It took place in the next building, Gedung Societet TBY, which is smaller. Surprisingly, it couldn't stop us to be satisfied. I don't know, it might be right when you have a good team, you can have a good performance, conversely. Honestly, in my opinion, the arrangement of previous performance was better than this. However, this lovely, supportive team had driven the universe turned us out to be good, even better. We were really sa-tis-fied. It was great. A night had been well-spent and all the hard work had been paid-off.

After performing

 Oh nooooooo! I put too many pictures on >.<

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