Sometimes

Sometimes, you need people to cheer you up when you're turning low.
Sometimes, you need someone to just patiently listen to your complain and your story.
Sometimes, you need somebody to tell you that you are stronger than you think.
Sometimes, you need those people who can strengthen you to pass all of those obstacles.
Sometimes, you need at least one person to talk to so you don't feel all alone.
Sometimes, you need somebody who can be supportive in all of circumstances.

Yet, sometimes just sometimes, all you need is somebody to tell you that it's okay to cry out loud, it's okay to be broken, it's okay to feel down, it's never ever wrong not to always appear strong, and all of those would never make you any less meaningful.

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Her Last Dress

I saw my mom walking into my room while I was laying down in the living room. I didn't really notice what she was doing. A moment later, she was out wearing clothes I had never seen before. She showed me up her new dress then asked me whether or not it fit her.
"Bagus kan bajunya?" said she.
"Enggak, biasa aja." I, typically, answered.
"Bagus ah,"
Then she went in my room again having another glance on how she looked in front of the mirror, I assumed. She continued mumbling.
"Kaya anak muda nggak sih ini?" asked she.
"Enggak. Udah nggak apa-apa."
"Buat Ellis aja tah? Lebih cocok buat anak muda kayanya,"
"Enggak, nggak usah. PD aja lagi,"
"Kan Ellis kurus, lebih pantes."
She kept telling me that the dress would fit me better, while I kept arguing that it fit her well, too.

Several days later, she got headache that led her into her death. I never knew it would happen that fast. Don't ask me how it felt. Losing mom meant losing a half of my life.
Months after she passed away, my aunt asked me to clean up my mom's drawer. She said that the clothes would be better shared to others who might need them. I opened up mom's drawer  picking up the clothes, then soon I found the dress we once talked about. I immidietely reminisced the convo I mentioned above. Inhaling while thinking how it could've been like this.  As soon as I exhaled, I was about to burst in tears. My aunt told me to keep it for my own. She knew that it's new. I guess my mom bought it with her back then. I still didn't think I would wear it. Instead, I put it in my drawer and thought I might want to give it to anyone else.

Later on, I don't know what my sister thought, she brought that dress from home. I asked her, "Kenapa dibawa ke sini? Emang mau dipake?" and still, neither me nor my sister, we didn't even try it. I once again thought that I might want to give it up. Until one day in this month, I opened up my drawer trying to pick which clothes I wanted to wear that morning. My eyes were caught up in that dress. Then in all of a sudden, I picked it up and decided to wear it for the first time.

You're right, Mom. It fits me well.
Couldn't believe this is the last dress you "gave" to me.

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A Cup of Talk

I love spending time alone. So does he.

There was one night when I went alone to a cafe with an intention to read journals. But not long after I had a seat, there was someone walked away passing my table. As soon as we noticed each other, we both were a bit surprised. As usual, we got silent for seconds then mumbling we didn't know each other. Of course, it was a platitude. We soon greeted each other. Apparently, he arrived earlier than me. I asked him to sit with me then a minute later he moved on to my table.

He started the talk by telling me how many (new) girls had a crush on him. Some tried to flirt on him, some gave him cheesy pick up lines, some others admitted they liked him and all. I was no surprised. It's so typical of him and he's kind of proud of it seen in his evil smile he was showing. He always says that he's handsome. Yes, he is. But his good looking face drops by everytime he tells me so, lol. We've been knowing each other since the first time we encountered the college life. I totally had no interest in him cause he acted as if he's the most handsome guy on earth. Meh, mlz bgt. Not long after that, something made us work together. As I got to know him better, I started to see the  good in him. We started having talks and sometimes having dinner together. So what's the good in him? He's so smart. He reads a lot of books. Like A-LOT. It's not only (classic) novels, but also books of philosophy, politics, history, so many theories, and so on. I kinda always look stupid when I talk to him. His knowledge is just too wide. I only have 10% of his knowledge perhaps. And what's other? Nothing. Lol. He had no sense of humor. I almost never laughed whenever he threw a joke for I never got the funny point. Then he'd say, "Hahaha, kan aku emang gak bisa lucu,"

At one moment on a particular event, he came in. I was out for a while without knowing he would come. As I got back, a girl who had a crush on him told me, "Mba, tuh dari tadi ada yang nyariin," I guess she was hurting while telling me so. Then another girl who used to be closed to him told me the same, "Udah ditungguin tuh," Guess who? Yes, it's him, "Aku mau ngomong." I knew it perfectly it's just an excuse so that he could go away from those girls lol. Told you. He has sort of...many 'fans'. Had no idea why. I kept telling him that if only those girls knew him better, they would definitely have a second thought to have a crush on him. He thought so. Lol. Yet, I did appreciate how he didn't take advantage of them. Right after he knew someone had a feeling on him and he thought he didn't share the same feeling, he'd stop. He even left their chats unread. So  I was chill. Never really cared about how many girls out there who admired him. It's his right to choose. As we all know, someone will always find a way to cheat even if we protect them so tight. So I had no worries. I let him do anything he wanted. 

He's full of dreams. And he told me some. He's so passionate about what he did. I supported his decisions even when I didn't really agree them. Cause yeah, he knew himself best so why should I tell him what to decide when it's all his life after all? Years after, something hit him hard. He knew that many people didn't like him, but he didn't stop. Rumors were spreading about him. I couldn't trust it tho. I knew he's not that good, but I knew it, too, he's not that bad. I made sure by asking him. He told me the truth without forcing me to be in his side. I believed in him.

Wait, I guess I'm being too far from what I've started at the very top of this writing. This would be too long if I have to reminisce each of inches I spent with him. I didn't know him for one or two weeks. It's been years. Well, let's go back to the cafe where I suddenly saw him. What we talked about then was...marriage. We shared our thoughts about it. Since we had the same background knowledge, we had the same thought as well. I told him I kind of think that marriage is a big deal. There are so many things to consider. He did think so. We mentioned the reasons one by one. Then I remember he once told me that he would marry at certain age. I'm one year younger than him. But it's like he's way older than me cause he looks that old lol. I told him it's two years to go until he reached that certain age he would like to marry. He answered that he kinda had a second thought then he added another five-year to his target of getting married. I laughed. Somehow, I knew it already. Then we continued our talk with different topics that night.

I never post any pictures of him tho cause I've been so picky about what to post especially in ig. Besides, we never really take any serious pictures together so I don't think it's so artsy enough to put it in my feed lol. Well, now, we don't see each other too often. He is busy as always. His mind is full of plans and of course books. He just can't stop trying to achieve what he wants and reading this and that. I let him do anything he thinks it's beneficial to him. It's true I have no idea where  to whom he'll come back. Whatever he decides, I'll never regret even a second. He's been a lesson after all.

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Mencicip Eropa

Karena beberapa teman saya meminta saya buat share di blog tentang cerita perjalanan ke Eropa kemarin, jadi ya now I'm trying to give it a go.

Sebenarnya saya agak bingung sih mau mulai dari mana dan mau share apa karena udah lama banget juga, jadi saya mungkin akan tulis secara highlight aja.

Saya pernah dengar pepatah yang kurang lebih bilang: "It is that feeling of willing is more powerful than the fulfillment. So, there are so many people that are really enthusiastic in wanting something but then after they get it, there's no something special," Nah, nampaknya pepatah itu ada benarnya juga. Saya nggak bilang kalau semuanya kerasa biasa aja dan nggak spesial. Tapi, karena saya (dan teman-teman) menghabiskan waktu berbulan-bulan persiapan untuk sampai di Benua Biru itu dengan susah payah nan berdarah-darah, jadinya ya semua proses dan perjuangan itu kerasa lebih berharga dan takkan tergantikan aja sih. Begitu sampai di sana, saya hanya bergumam "Oh, gini toh," hehehe. Namun, pada akhirnya, saya sadar kalau kedua "perjuangan" dan "pencapaian" punya kesan masing-masing yang sangat membekas.

Autumn leaves

Itinerary perjalanan saya (sebenernya "kami" sih, tapi karena ini blog saya jadi yaudah "saya" aja) awalnya adalah Paris-Praha (dan Teplice)-Berlin-Paris. Tapi, karena tiket promo ke Paris sudah habis, akhirnya berpindah haluan penerbangan ke Amsterdam. Kenapa ke Amsterdam padahal acaranya di Praha? Tidak lain tidak bukan karena tiket ke Amsterdam jauh lebih murah daripada ke Praha haha. Saya (of course, dan teman-teman) awalnya sempat intimidate Amsterdam banget kenapa jadinya ke Belanda dan  tak lupa kecewa karena nggak jadi mau foto-foto bikin tulisan di kertas "Kapan ke sini bareng?" dengan background Menara Eiffel. Well, itu teman saya sih yang bilang lol. Tapiiiiii, tiada sangka tiada duga, Amsterdam jadi kota terfavorit saya dan bahkan hampir semua dari kita! Saya nggak tahu persisnya sih ya kenapa malah Amsterdam jadi yang terfavorit, tapi mungkin emang gitu, semakin kita nggak punya ekspektasi tinggi sama sesuatu maka kita akan semakin nggak mudah kecewa eaa paanci.

Amsterdam dari atas tapi yg ini dari gugel

Begitu Kapten Pesawat mengumumkan pesawat akan segera landing, saya pun bersiap-siap memakai jaket karena di sana sedang Autumn alias musim gugur dan sudah hampir musim dingin (Waktu itu sempat mencapai 0 derajat celcius!). Dari ketinggian, saya lihat ke bawah bertanya-tanya kenapa bangunannya tersusun sangat sangat tertata huhu. Turun dari pesawat, saya sudah siap-siap kedinginan dong ya, eh taunya malah enggak. Kan masih di dalem bandara, ada heater-nya, angetlah #emangngeselinanaknya. Keluar dari bandara, saya, kebetulan, langsung disambut keramah-tamahan orang Belanda. Awalnya, saya nanya ke Satpam (?) Bandara tentang rute bis, setelah dikasih tahu, dia nanya (lebih tepatnya nebak) saya dari mana. Begitu tahu saya dari Indonesia, dia langsung bilang kalau dia pernah ke Indo dan sudah pengen banget mau ke Indo lagi. Wow, how ironic.

Amsterdam Schipol

Dua hari di Amsterdam, saya merasa puas. Amsterdam adalah ekspektasi saya tentang Eropa. Bangunannya klasik, rapih, lucu, berudara dingin. Lalu, ada banyak kanal alias sungai yang jadi bikin syahdu. Ditambah lagi ada banyak pesepeda berkeliaran, ya walaupun pada cepet-cepet udah kaya maling sepeda bikin kaget pas jalan. Kotanya ramai, orang-orang pada bisa bahasa Inggris jadi komunikasinya mudah, sering ketemu orang Indo, sering ketemu orang pake hijab juga. Saya sering baca blog atau cerita orang yang katanya kalau di luar negeri trus ketemu sesama muslim dan disapa Assalamualaikum itu rasanya sesuatu. Awalnya saya mikir ya make sense sih, tapi enggak nyangka bakal seterharu itu huhu. Nah, di Amsterdam ini, teman-teman saya ketemu Syahrini di Dam Square wkwkwk. Saya lagi melancong nggak tau ke mana. Malam sebelumnya, ketemu Ben Joshua pas kita lagi cari makan malam. Ini Belanda apa Indo deh.

Dam Square

Kota berikutnya adalah Praha. Dari Amsterdam ke Praha naik Flixbus soalnya jauh lebih murah daripada naik kereta atau pesawat wkwk. Naik kereta di Eropa buat budget traveler itu nggak recommended sih. Flixbus/Regiojet/Euroline adalah jawabannya bagi para kere-ers lol ya walaupun tetap lebib mahal juga kalau dibandingin bis Indo. Makanya jangan dibandingin haha.
Nah, karena saya sudah dapat banyak dengar kalau Praha itu kota yang cantik, fairytale, magical, romantis, dsb, saya jadi berekspektasi tinggi sama Praha. Entah karena ekspektasi dan fantasi saya terlalu tinggi atau gimana, saya merasa Praha nggak lebih cantik dari Amsterdam. Satu-satunya yang memenuhi ekspektasi adalah Old Town-nya. Ya emang bagus sih Old Town. Bangunan (gerejanya) sangat klasik dan gotik. Keren gitu deh. Praha ini kota terlama yang saya tempati. Orang-orangnya banyak yang nggak bisa bahasa Inggris. Saya bahkan nggak sengaja makan daging babi pas sarapan di Hotel, padahal saya udah jelas-jelas nanya ke pelayannya, "Is this beef or bacon?" doi jawab, "Beef," lalu saya langsung koar-koar ke teman-teman saya ngasih tau kalau dagingnya sapi. Eeeh taunya, pas LO saya datang dan saya make sure nanya ini sapi bukan, ternyata bukan. LO saya bilang, "I think you should change your meal because it's apparently bacon," setelah dia nanya lagi ke resto hotelnya. Tapi bacon enak btw huhu.
Karena Praha bukan kota sebesar Amsterdam, orang-orang yang saya temui di sana juga nggak seheterogen di Amsterdam. Hampir white people semua. Sangat jarang menemukan orang berhijab, jadi sekalinya ketemu, langsung berasa ketemu saudara, ramah banget. Di Praha, saya sama sekali nggak menemukan orang bersepeda atau bersepeda motor. Saya curiga di sana cuma jual mobil aja(?) Selama di Praha, saya sempat ke Teplice (masih di Ceko juga), karena ada agenda di sana. Nggak kemana-mana juga sih pas di Teplice karena seharian full acara di sana.

In Teplice

Terlepas dari kurang terpenuhinya ekspektasi saya atas Praha dan dimarahin orang sana dan hal-hal lain yang kurang mengenakkan lainnnya, Praha tetap memorable dengan kenangannya. It was worth visiting.

Old Town

Kota berikutnya yang saya kunjungi adalah Berlin. Perjalanan dari Praha ke Berlin tetap menggunakan bis. Kali ini saya pakai Regiojet. Lebih mahal dari Flixbus, tapi Regiojet ini wifi-nya nyala dan guide-nya ganteng parah. Egmn. Tapi beneran deh ya, kalau orang Bandung bilang sepertinya Tuhan sedang tersenyum ketika menciptakan Bandung, saya bakal bilang sepertinya Tuhan sedang bahagia ketika menciptakan orang-orang Eropa haha. Ganteng-ganteng dan cantik-cantik sejauh mata memandang huhu. Selain guide-nya, sopirnya juga ramah. Entah perasaan saya doang apa gimana, kayanya orang Jerman jauh lebih ramah daripada orang Ceko.

Urutan kunjungan saya ini kayanya merepresentasikan urutan kota yang saya sukai. Dulu saya suka berfantasi mau tinggal di Jerman. Negara Uni Eropa urutan teratas. Tapi ternyata, nggak lebih klasik dari Praha. Don't get me wrong. Ini kan opini pribadi hehe. Mungkin saya sudah semakin terbiasa dengan bangunan Eropa (yaelah gaya beut botol kecap), jadinya saya nggak melihat bangunan yang terlihat outstanding di Berlin. Malah, saya melihat Berlin ini seketika teringat Jakarta. Agak berantakan dan lebih metropolis dibanding Praha dan Amsterdam. Saya melihat beberapa spot kaya nggak terurus gitu. Eh atau lagi dibangun ya? Nggak tau lah, pokoknya menurut saya, Berlin nggak seperti dalam fantasi saya. Ya walaupun tetap dong ya, Eropa adalah Eropa. Nggak ada yang menandingi keklasikannya. Saya cuma dua hari di Berlin, jadi opini saya tentang Berlin tentu sangat terbatas. Di Berlin, orang-orangnya lebih heterogen bahkan dari Amsterdam. Sering banget menjumpai orang berhijab, ya secara imigran Turki paling banyaknya ke Jerman. Kotanya sangat ramai. Apalagi pas di Primark. Murah-murah sih soalnya cem Jolie/Sakola kalau di Jogja wkwk. Btw, kalau sistem transportasi, di ketiga kota itu mirip sih. Ada kereta bawah tanah, trem (kereta yang malang melintang di jalan), dan bis. Yang jelas, transportasi umum di sana jauh sama di Indo haha and I felt like I was cool using public transport lol. 

Typical tourist

Setelah serangkaian kunjungan itu, akhirnya saya kembali lagi ke Amsterdam karena pesawatnya dari Amsterdam. Dan nggak tahu ya, saya bahagia banget sih pas balik ke Amsterdam. Rasanya tuh kaya ya ampun akhirnya ke Amsterdam lagi dan ini udah mau balik Indo, enggak mauuuuuu.

Dari Berlin, saya sampai di Amsterdam pagi hari. Pesawat saya sore, jadi saya punya waktu seharian buat menikmati Amsterdam. Cry. Udah nggak keitung saya dan teman-teman saya bolak-balik ke Albert Hejn (Baca: Indomaret) buat beli coklat. Begitu balik ke tempat tunggu dan masih menemukan euro kita masih tersisa, kita balik lagi beli buah. Buahnya enak, akhirnya kita malakin anak-anak yang masih punya recehan euro. Patungan, beli lagi buah sampai berkali-kali. Sampai pelayannya bosen juga kita lagi kita lagi lol. Dan akhirnya kita patungan buat beli makan: Nasi Goreng Sataj Ajam. Gitu tulisannya. Lumayan enak. Tapi ya of courseeee, rasanya jauh sama yang di Indo haha mahal uga 5/6 euro gitu saya lupa.

Begitu saya selesai menulis ini, ternyata panjang uga ya. Padahal ini baru highlight. Masih ada banyak hal yang terkenang di kepala. Mungkin saya bakal bikin postingan lagi untuk cerita yang lebih detail karena masih ada hal-hal yang bikin saya merasa insightful!

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A Moment to Reflect

It's one week to go till I'm exactly turning 23. No, this is not a reminder or something to remind everyone about my day. This is a kind of, let's say, the way I'm trying to reminisce and reflect what I've done and I have had to be.

I suddenly remember one moment when my Indian buddy told me at my birthday, "You're not getting older, but you're just a little closer to death," and it was somewhat stabbing my chest cause yeah, what to celebrate when you're actually getting closer to death? Since then, I never really hype my birthday.

A moment later I look back into myself then see how I'd been afraid too much of everything, like every-single-thing. And another moment I realized that I have changed so much than I used to be.
I used to have that typical thought to please every single one I know and even I meet, to look good in their eyes, and even to be the way they want me to be. Until I started my uni-life that led me to know people who are careless. No, it's not carelessness about their own life but rather not to care about what other people think of them. Until I started to have experienced a whole new world that I've never been to. Until I read what I have never imagined I'm gonna be interested in. Until I come at the point that I realize each of us simply live our own life which has nothing to do with others'. It's nothing like my life is better/worse than yours. It's only a matter of understanding in seeing the ups and downs after all. The hard time I've been through and the happy moments I've had are only in a way God tells me how life wouldn't feel happy unless I've encountered sadness. And so it's just an understanding to embrace every single moment that happens.

I look back again to myself, and then I know that changes are persistent. Maybe I think I've changed much but it doesn't stop there. Most probably because time doesn't stop lingering that always forces me to deal with everything I'm facing. I no longer see myself as passionate as I was. Instead, I become more reckless and choose to let everything flow the way it does. I don't know which is better tho.

Most of moments I think about my existence which leads me to question how much I've been beneficial to my surroundings. Then I feel insecure when I find that I've been doing nothing instead. I still can't help to think: do I live the life I want? Have I done things I supposed to? Is my life worth living? But yeah, they say it's one typical phase that people will encounter when they reach early 20s.

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